Hmm. Well I am moving out of my parents house in a little over a month. Yikes. I have no money so I need to find a job fast. Real fast. This could really hurt my chances at school. Maybe I'll just be a LPN? That would suck but it would be better then never accomplishing anything at school. I will see. This means I will be saying hello to student loans. No Hurraying here. *sigh*
I am supposed to be studying for my Final in a couple hours. Meh.
Yesterday was pretty stupid. I decsided(sp) to bike to school, because I want to be all healthy and such, and well,, I lost my bike key after locking my bike, so I was stuck at school for a couple extra hours. I was put out considerably. I went got a metal clamp shutter to break the chain, and went home while it was pouring rain. The beautiful thing was the rainbow that was out the whole way.
The day was so icky, I just prayed to God to keep the rainbow out until I got home, and he did, and the left end of the rainbow was behind my parents house, so it was neat.
Then the day didn't seem so bad. I have been doubting my beliefs and wondering if I am a christian? Can you be a hypocrite and a christian at the same time? That is what I am, I haven't wanted to face up to my parents since I turned 18 about myself and such so have been lieing to save my face, so I finally admitted some stuff when I knew I could hid it no longer. I felt pretty suicidal last week I admit.
My parents are great. Probably the best that I know.
Of course before they were christians I have bad memories, but it doesn't hurt so much because I know they are sorry about it.
I did kind of screw them. I have no close relationship with my parents because I made a lie of the tangible one we had.
Living on my own will be a reality chceck for me, so I am sure if I don't get worse I can only get better. :(
Dear God have mercy on me.
Arthritis is acting up, the annoying bugger -(the pain) and now my stupid night time allusions are coming back. It is rather awful, it gets where I am screaming and biting my tounge in wrath. My own face is mocking me in a uncontrollable frenzy.
Anyway-better go study. :)
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- Adri
- Rosedale, British Columbia, Canada
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3 comments:
Moving out of the parental nest is exciting and nerve-wracking all at the same time. Job is good - and don't be afraid to take something less than what you want and keep looking so that at least there is some income. student loans are teh suckage.
*shrug* who needs to study *grin*
I love rainbows - and playing in the rain (ask Guthrie)
Can you be a hypocritical Christian? yes.
Good for you for facing up to your parents - that is not easy to do.
Adria you will find the Path. He is faithful and doesn't give up on us just because we struggle and walk away.
I'm sorry that you're in pain. :(
*hugs* lots of thoughts about the whole suicidal stuff and things can only get better and reality crashing in on moving out...too muddled to share though. sorry hun.
I like when you blog like this - and I try to make a point to comment, cause I swear when you bare your soul in a sense and really write and then it sits in silence you start to wonder....
love and hugs and prayers always my friend.
The whole looking for a job frightens me. I just dread it and feel very stupid while doing it.
I need to study, I think I could of failed that last final. *bites teeth* It doesn't matter overly to me though- I'll just take it again.
The facing up to parents- well I haven't told them everything. I AM NOT GOING TO EITHER. Is that bad? Well I just don't want to leave on a sour note and already I feel tension slightly building.
Katie- I can't through a relationship with God just because of my stupidness. I might as well kill myself right here.
The pain is okay- it could be worse. Excercise helps a lot.
Thanks for what you did share- I mean, if anything I can take your advice because I know it is a more experienced one, and dwell on it.
I hate job hunting. I hate it with a passion. I hate interviews and trying to sell myself so that I can pay the bills.
I'm getting better with being okay with doing the best that i can right now - and that doesn't mean that I'm doing the best academically that I am capable of - it means that I do what's best for me as a whole - and that strategy means I may end up failing a course or two this semester. That terrifies me and yet it's oddly freeing too. But I'm not in the same kind of high pressure program you are. Do what you need to do to be able to look yourself in the mirror in the morning.
There's lots that my parents don't know about me. There's stuff Guthrie's mom doesn't know about him. I don't know if that makes us bad or not. I don't know how to be an adult child. I understand not wanting to leave on a bad note. I really really really get that. Until I told my parents about Guthrie, my relationship with them was probably the best it had ever been about a month after I moved out. They were finally able to start to let me live my life - but well, yeah. you know that only went so far before things came crashing down. Which really had little to no bearing on your relationship with your parents, but I'm kinda rambling.
Adri - the more I learn about God, the more I come to Him with my hypocrisy the more I discover just how merciful and loving He is. I've lived the double life - I did it while serving at church on the worship team - I did it as the youth worship leader for youth group. No one knew. To this day, not a whole lot of people know. I played lip service and played Christianity - and I was damned good at it. God didn't give up on me. In the moments when I could be sincere He still met with me. He was still there every step of the way - even when i couldn't see it or refused to acknowledge it. He kept sending people into my life who gently loved me. I couldn't see it at the time. It's only in looking back that I see how He protected me - yes protected me, despite my best intentions to destroy myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
For me what helps is to look at what is the essence of Christianity for me - and what does that mean? What does it look like - what do I think it should look like - is that Biblical? What does God have to say about it? My faith now is simple - and pretty childlike at times. I have an alter who likes to tell Jesus what He should do. He's her friend. I'll listen in sometimes when she 'prays'. She firmly believes that Jesus died so that she didn't have to be punished. She believes that He is her forever friend and that He can do anything. She has more faith than I do much of the time.
For me, it really boils down to God is bigger than me and my illness. He's bigger than the abuse, bigger than the past. He died for my sin - my hypocrisy, my self-hate, my willfulness, my pride. He died so that we would have life. He told me to love Him with everything I have and to love those around me. He told me to share that love and His Truth. For me, that's all there is to it. Is it hard to love Him with all that I am? heck yes. I don't even know that I really know what all that means yet - I'm still learning. But I do know that He loves me - and that His love is different than that of my parents, my abusers, my rapist.
okay I'll stop talking your eyes off. Take what you will from all that rambling. Remember that I love you and that we pray for you. (and when Beth prays for someone, things tend to happen *grin* She's a bossy little one with a heart of gold.)
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