Merry Christmas!

"It is better to be thought a fool then to open ones mouth and remove all doubt."

Coffee Time- Or not- I dunno. Just typing randomly. Right now I am getting cooked for and it is really nice to just sit here and be lazy. yay. yay. yay!

Bad Coffee

Ages. Ages since posting once again! I feel like such a little crybaby today. I'd like to pin it on the fact that I'm PMSing, life is going rough etc etc. That's not the truth of it. I just let myself go into a slump and crying seems almost an enjoyable stress reliever.

I was being a crybaby because I don't really have any close by friends to be with and feel like a loser and no one leaves me messages anymore and la de da.. Having a little pitty party for myself. I hate saying I was but that was how it was. I feel like such a bum. I have a ton of people willing to talk to me even now and before but I didnt have time for them (including my family) because I want to do what I want to do! It makes me reflect that in even saying this am I enjoying the feeling of feeling like I am such a boring loner (loser) so that I can be miserable? IS that warped or does that make sense?
Perhaps. I really don't know, or care. I needed somewhere to ramble and it felt like a good idea at the time. Still doesn't make sense or ever will. I just want to swear- like maybe that will get all the ugliness inside of me out!
But I dont really want to be sweet, I want to be a caullous cold hearted bitch and slap some fucking assholes faces so they feel a smart. I want to scream so loud that it breaks this stupid headache away. I want to be SOOOO Negative so that it all swarms up and explodes and then there is nothing left but pure good happy things.

I know it is all up to me to be happy- I dont need others to make myself happy I can change my attitude how do I make myself want to be happy? HAppy is such a dumb word though. I don't always have to be happy- I think that would be robotic, but what good does being how I am do. Yeah nothing- but who cares, I don't, but then I do, but I dont know it all feels like a huge blob of nothingness. GAHHHHHH.

I'm gonna go see if I can go play some rockband. I feel slightly lighthearted more now less angry. GOD HELP ME PLEASE I AM SO ANGRY FOR NO REASON

No Bravery

It has been a good long time since i have felt like writing in here. Often times I am so moody or depressed or bored of computers that I really don't want to write in here. Last time I read in this journal I was a little bit disappointed with how I am turning out as a grown up. Seems I had a lot more morals back then. Why am I letting them go?

This month was pretty good, I don't feel nearly as bad as I have past years. I remember that last year was extremely rough and that I slept a lot- I also remember the summer was really good! I really grew up in a way that summer. First time not having as much parent say etc.. and such but then I don't know...I have never been a really bad rebel- well I have been a closet rebel to put it more to the point. Have always wanted it to look that I am looking for a high ideal but enjoying being rather far from perfect.

Right now I am thinking about my mom and how well she seems to balance everything out- to be a realist, have a faith, acknowledge her weaknesses but still have everybody like her for herself! She's real! I.. not so much.

...but then I have cleaned up and sometimes I am very proud of that fact- I think I see in my mind to understand some of what I am and doing much better and admit it even though it really upsets me. I hate that almost every day I want to smoke or whatever all those things that damage your body but are fun... but so not good. :(

I went for a very very VERY short bikeride today- went out the door went a few metres and had a flat tire. *la sigh* So it means I ended up going for a walk.


I'm extremely annoyed at getting pudgy!!! Not cool! Oh well I suppose I should maybe..just maybe stop eating!!1 BUT I LOVE FOOD!!! NOOOO! :(


Derrick is very very silly. :P

As I sit here and meander quite possibly very insignificant thoughts, I get very tired of it all. I miss simplistic days where I had no where to go and I pretty much just had a couple choices of what to do, or even only that one thing to do! I am only nineteen for crying out loud! What am I talking about. :P

I observe the simple things and the obvious goes right over my head.

I look back and see all the ideals I had and it feels like they are all slipping away from me. NO. :(


My mind really gets to me lately. Oh no. :( Dear God help me. Life feels horribly winding down and I am just sitting here watching it.

BLACK COFFEE

I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind.
I left my body laying somewhere in the SANDS of time.
I watch the world float to the dark side of the moon.
I feel there's nothing I can do, Yeah.
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon.
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you.
I really don't mind, what happens now and then.
As long as you'll be my friend at the end.
If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman.
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT, Kryptonite.
You call me strong, you call me weak but still your secrets I will keep.
You took for granted, all the times I never let you down.
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if not for me then you'd be dead.
I picked you up, and put you back on solid ground.
If I go crazy then will you still call me superman.
If I'm alive and well will you be there, holding my hand.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT, Kryptonite, Yeah!
If I go crazy then will you still call me superman.
If I'm alive and well, will you be there, holding my hand.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT , Kryptonite.
If I go crazy then will you still call me superman.
If I'm alive and well, will you be there, holding my hand.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT , Kryptonite.


Sleep Time.
*sigh*