No Bravery

It has been a good long time since i have felt like writing in here. Often times I am so moody or depressed or bored of computers that I really don't want to write in here. Last time I read in this journal I was a little bit disappointed with how I am turning out as a grown up. Seems I had a lot more morals back then. Why am I letting them go?

This month was pretty good, I don't feel nearly as bad as I have past years. I remember that last year was extremely rough and that I slept a lot- I also remember the summer was really good! I really grew up in a way that summer. First time not having as much parent say etc.. and such but then I don't know...I have never been a really bad rebel- well I have been a closet rebel to put it more to the point. Have always wanted it to look that I am looking for a high ideal but enjoying being rather far from perfect.

Right now I am thinking about my mom and how well she seems to balance everything out- to be a realist, have a faith, acknowledge her weaknesses but still have everybody like her for herself! She's real! I.. not so much.

...but then I have cleaned up and sometimes I am very proud of that fact- I think I see in my mind to understand some of what I am and doing much better and admit it even though it really upsets me. I hate that almost every day I want to smoke or whatever all those things that damage your body but are fun... but so not good. :(

I went for a very very VERY short bikeride today- went out the door went a few metres and had a flat tire. *la sigh* So it means I ended up going for a walk.


I'm extremely annoyed at getting pudgy!!! Not cool! Oh well I suppose I should maybe..just maybe stop eating!!1 BUT I LOVE FOOD!!! NOOOO! :(


Derrick is very very silly. :P

As I sit here and meander quite possibly very insignificant thoughts, I get very tired of it all. I miss simplistic days where I had no where to go and I pretty much just had a couple choices of what to do, or even only that one thing to do! I am only nineteen for crying out loud! What am I talking about. :P

I observe the simple things and the obvious goes right over my head.

I look back and see all the ideals I had and it feels like they are all slipping away from me. NO. :(


My mind really gets to me lately. Oh no. :( Dear God help me. Life feels horribly winding down and I am just sitting here watching it.

BLACK COFFEE

I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind.
I left my body laying somewhere in the SANDS of time.
I watch the world float to the dark side of the moon.
I feel there's nothing I can do, Yeah.
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon.
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you.
I really don't mind, what happens now and then.
As long as you'll be my friend at the end.
If I go crazy then will you still call me Superman.
If I'm alive and well, will you be there holding my hand.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT, Kryptonite.
You call me strong, you call me weak but still your secrets I will keep.
You took for granted, all the times I never let you down.
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if not for me then you'd be dead.
I picked you up, and put you back on solid ground.
If I go crazy then will you still call me superman.
If I'm alive and well will you be there, holding my hand.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT, Kryptonite, Yeah!
If I go crazy then will you still call me superman.
If I'm alive and well, will you be there, holding my hand.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT , Kryptonite.
If I go crazy then will you still call me superman.
If I'm alive and well, will you be there, holding my hand.
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman MIGHT , Kryptonite.


Sleep Time.
*sigh*

Sometimes life really feels trashy. Some days it couldn't be better. Right now I don't know how to describe my attitude or how I feel. I feel mad about my flacky tendencies. It makes me frustrated. I was asked out this week and I said yes...then I was feeling "-- no I don't really want to..." but at the same time I want to find some consistancies. Not just for dating but I can't find myself just hitting off with just any type of guy or girl for relationships in general. Every month it is a different guy and it never lasts. That makes me sad. Like there is something wrong with me. I like being alone too. I would rather be alone then try for something that isn't going to go anywhere friendship wise at all.

You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you

And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
It's too late to apologize, yeah
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I'm holdin on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground...

Wow, life is hectic and I miss not writing in here. I'll be back later.

"Me, me, me, I love myself. I have my own little picture on my shelf."

My name is Adri. My first crime was when I was eighteen. I like thinking I
am unique. I definitely like individualism and feel pride on the fact that many people would never link me to doing what I do. I was never noticed my whole life, I’m not loud vocally or declare my emotions through facial expressions, It just isn’t me. I am fairly ugly, not hideous mind you, just not notably. I also appear dumb. I know this because I have seen it to be true when I look in the mirror. Sometimes people who seem like retards get negative attention but I never did.

I craved attention. I wanted to be noticed badly. What was life worth if I did not
get anything? It would be better if I were dead and since we are all going to die anyway, life is expendable. In a hundred years you will be no more. Many people believe life is sacred, I do not. I think it is better to of not lived then to be someone who has dealt with hell all their lives.

So…how do you become a criminal without letting you identity become known?
I was silent, observant and even my performance of self behaviour was well acted on.
Once I started getting into serious crime, it was hard to stop. It became an addiction. It is so easy to kill. I liked hearing about a murder and knowing I was the one who was the murderer. I was being noticed finally. You would probably consider me cold, sick, and selfish. I don’t mind because that just shows that I am really something. Why should standards matter? I see no point, so I do what I like. I killed a guy I saw in the field for my first crime. He was dumb, outside in the dark all by himself, so I stabbed him over and over again. I enjoy the feeling of having done something many people haven’t done. It makes me feel powerful. Then it gets worse, and I get sloppy in my desire to kill, and I become obsessed.

Last night I killed my mother. I hated my mother my whole life. The one
person in the whole world who should have noticed me my whole life did not. She didn’t pretend to notice me because she didn’t like me or anything, which would have been bearable So… she is dead. She is lying on the floor. I put arsenic in her drink. I know I will be found out now. There is no way to not be found out and not be sent to jail, so since life is expendable here is my end.

~This short story that I had to do a week ago was a bit of a mistake as I misunderstood the teachers directions, and the teacher was a creeped out and I ended getting talked to. I recieved a fine mark anyway. This story was pulled out of the hat. Which makes for some of the weak writing- arsenic is so not imaginative, but then the character isn't as much so as she thinks.