Bad Coffee

Ages. Ages since posting once again! I feel like such a little crybaby today. I'd like to pin it on the fact that I'm PMSing, life is going rough etc etc. That's not the truth of it. I just let myself go into a slump and crying seems almost an enjoyable stress reliever.

I was being a crybaby because I don't really have any close by friends to be with and feel like a loser and no one leaves me messages anymore and la de da.. Having a little pitty party for myself. I hate saying I was but that was how it was. I feel like such a bum. I have a ton of people willing to talk to me even now and before but I didnt have time for them (including my family) because I want to do what I want to do! It makes me reflect that in even saying this am I enjoying the feeling of feeling like I am such a boring loner (loser) so that I can be miserable? IS that warped or does that make sense?
Perhaps. I really don't know, or care. I needed somewhere to ramble and it felt like a good idea at the time. Still doesn't make sense or ever will. I just want to swear- like maybe that will get all the ugliness inside of me out!
But I dont really want to be sweet, I want to be a caullous cold hearted bitch and slap some fucking assholes faces so they feel a smart. I want to scream so loud that it breaks this stupid headache away. I want to be SOOOO Negative so that it all swarms up and explodes and then there is nothing left but pure good happy things.

I know it is all up to me to be happy- I dont need others to make myself happy I can change my attitude how do I make myself want to be happy? HAppy is such a dumb word though. I don't always have to be happy- I think that would be robotic, but what good does being how I am do. Yeah nothing- but who cares, I don't, but then I do, but I dont know it all feels like a huge blob of nothingness. GAHHHHHH.

I'm gonna go see if I can go play some rockband. I feel slightly lighthearted more now less angry. GOD HELP ME PLEASE I AM SO ANGRY FOR NO REASON